Selected Sayings of the Jesus We'd rather Have

1."Whatever you do for the least of these you do it for me... but you don't have to let them touch you. They're kinda dirty."
2. "Pray for those that persecute you... pray that God kills them."
3. "Those that live by the sword die by the sword but nobody said anything about the gun."
4. "Take up your cross and follow me... you can just wear it around your neck, we're going to Disney Land."
5. "Sell all you have and give it to the poor... as long as they are white, they've earned it, and they give you a warm fuzzy feeling afterward. And by 'everything' I don't mean the stuff you really like."
6. "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. But they can go to heaven when they die, discipleship is overrated anyway.
7. "Love your neighbor as yourself... and make sure they're of the same social status so you might be able to borrow their time-share."
8. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick... as long as they have insurance."
9."You are the salt of the earth... because you're Americans... so go live in the suburbs, you deserve it."
10. "Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you and stick it to them with high interest rates because beggars can't be choosers."