When I first began this journey, when I felt the call of God in the Jr. High, I never anticipated it to be like this. I never anticipated thinking like I do, I never planned on viewing the Bible or theology the way I do. I never sat down and said, "I want to think a certain way about God, the world, homosexuality, women in ministry, liberation, politics, success, freedom, war, violence, eschatology, etc." nevertheless I am where I am and I think the way I think. There's no turning back, there's no rewind, I am who and where I am. Would I have chosen this if I had the choice? I don't know. Is it worth it to think the way I do? Is it worth it to be so different than most of the people I come in contact with?
I once believed that this journey would be about big churches, fancy Bible studies, charismatic leadership and a network of like minded people. I once had simple answers for simple issues. I once thought that the world was black and white. I once thought that the complexity of life and the intricacy of exegesis were not too hard to deal with. I once would have had an answer.
But now I see, my eyes are open, I am awake but I too often feel that I am alone in my awakening. I am so weighed down by labels and negative perceptions and there is no one to hold me up. Would I have chosen to think the way I do? Would I have chosen to go this way had I known it would be so hard? no. I would not have chosen to go this way. I would not have chosen to think the way I do and to process the world the way I do, but I am here. I would sometimes like to go back, to just agree. It would be so much easier to go back and just agree, to go back and give to them what they expect of me. It would be easier to stand at the beginning and say no to this direction I have traveled. But there's no turning back. There's no going back to the start, I am here. What if I had known that awakening would look like this? Would I have chosen it? Perhaps it was hidden from me because I needed to chose it. Even still, something inside me says this way is right however left they may think it is.
"I can't apologize for the wrongs that I can't make right. I know I've chosen to go this way and it looks hard, I feel insane. I know I might not look smart, I might not look good on the charts. All I know says this way will make me whole, make me complete..." _from "Get Up Good" by Johanna Chase.